Tuesday, November 1, 2011


My coworker just posted of picture of the two of us on Facebook. She took it yesterday at our work Halloween party. The minute I saw it, I freaked out and immediately untagged it. But it's there now, in cyber space forever. A terrible picture of me. And not just a terrible picture...it's seriously so embarrassing. I hate how I look...and I hardly even recognized myself. As I sit and type this, I think...how did I let myself get this way!? When did I get so lazy? When did I become addicted to food? When did I stop working out?

So here I am, for the millionth time. Somethings gotta click. It has to. People can lose weight. My friend Karlie is proof of that. She's my inspiration. She and Katie helped pave the path, but I'm taking this blog solo for now and I'm not allowing comments. I need to be able to post whatever I want, whenever I want. Journal my success, frustrations, thoughts, etc. If you really want to say something, you can email me, but for now I'm just putting it all out there.

I had my husband take before and after pictures of me tonight. I wore the skinny workout outfit I used to love wearing. I looked hot in it, and now? Not so much. I'm not quite ready to post those pictures...hopefully soon. 

So to start, I'm listing the things I KNOW I'm doing wrong. Things that lead to this point, and 3 goals I have this week.

First, I'm eating all the damn time. Am I hungry? No. Am I bored? Yes...so I eat. I hate that I just typed that.

I also never, ever exercise anymore. And I have a gym membership. What a waste of money. To be honest though, I'm a little embarrassed to go to the gym. I hate that I am, because when I saw an obese person in the gym, I always thought, "You go girl!" or "Dude, you're awesome!" and had such respect for them, because I thought, "Gosh, that's probably so hard, coming to the gym working out in front of us fit folks." And now I'm the one who has to suck it up and put on a brave face. I hope the fit folk think I'm brave too...not just fat.

I really don't like myself. I cry typing this, but it's the truth. I used to love myself. I used to be so confident and happy and loved going out with friends and trying new things. Now? Not so much. I avoid seeing friends I haven't seen in awhile. Yes, I still laugh and I'm funny and I put on a happy face, but I haven't been comfortable with myself in a long time. I want the confident me back.

So this week, I'm going to track what I eat. I'll work out 3 times a week, and I'll start a gratitude journal and slowly work on getting the old me back.